The Things we Lost in the Fire
by BlueLantern'sLight
Summary: Bill and Tom both have feelings for each other, but are afraid to admit it. However, when Tom is rushed to hospital after a house fire, will they confess their love, or will it remain forever hidden? Re-uploaded (used to be I Scream into the Night for You), with some minor changes. Bill/Tom
1. Chapter 1: Meltdown

Bill ran a hand through his messed-up mane of dark hair and sighed. This couldn't be right. He couldn't be thinking like this. There was no way he was in love with his twin brother. No way. He had being feeling a bit strange around Tom for a few weeks now, but it was within the past 72 hours that he'd been feeling really fluttery. And to be quite honest, it terrified the hell out of the younger brother. Which was why he was locked in his apartment, sat in a chair in the corner of the room, trying to think things over.

He and Tom had always been close as brothers, but this was a different feeling to that. There was a _big _difference between brotherly love and want-to-kiss-someone love. Bill had no idea about how this had come about; he had dated girls in the past and enjoyed it perfectly well. But now, the only human being it seemed he was attracted to was Tom. Every time he set eyes on his dreadlocked older twin he got a warm, tingling sensation that rippled through his soul, and sometimes it gave him such crazy urges he had to leave the room on the pretence that he felt sick. But, in truth, lovesick was more like it; deep down Bill knew that. He just wasn't all too willing to admit it to himself, and definitely not to Tom.

It didn't take long for Bill to realize that being alone and in silence did nothing good for him, and the more he thought about it the more the blatant truth slapped him in the face like a very unwelcome wake-up call: He was in love with his brother, whether he liked it or not. And in a way, it was both feelings. He hated the fact that he felt that way, but also found Tom so devilishly wonderful, and part of him did enjoy that, somewhere far within his slightly troubled being. He bit down hard on his lip and softly began to do the one thing that helped him let his emotions out: sing.

"_Ich bin hier irgendwo gelandet  
Kann nicht mehr sagen wer ich bin  
Hab die Erinnerung verloren  
Die Bilder geben keinen Sinn  
Bring mich zurück, bring mich nach Haus  
Ich schaff's nicht allein hier raus_

Komm und hilf mir fliegen  
Leih mir deine Flügel  
Ich tausch sie gegen die Welt  
Gegen alles was mich hält  
Ich tausch sie heute Nacht  
Gegen alles was ich hab..."

By the end of the last line he sang his voice cracked and he started to cry quietly, the tears rolling down his pale complexion and hitting the floor like a soft rain. He had no idea what he was going to do. No idea at all.


	2. Chapter 2: Dilemmas

Meanwhile, Tom was pacing up and down the length of the studio, muttering his thoughts aloud in an almost constant stream of pondering.

"There's something up with Bill, I can tell," he uttered, "I can see it in his eyes. The way he looks at me... it's different. But it's not anything suggesting he hates me, it's more like he isn't too sure of himself. He's gone all shy around me; when he looks me in the eyes he quickly looks away again. At photoshoots he often has to take breaks, especially after we've done group or pair shots together. He keeps running out and claiming he feels ill all the time, but only after long periods of time with me, and it's so weird." He paused. "Maybe it is something I've done. But what? I don't think I've said or done anything, and normally he tells me when I've screwed up so we can talk things through. Not to mention that one minute he seems almost awestruck by my presence and the next he's running off, which isn't like him in the slightest. And he won't tell my anything, that's the issue! Unless..." Tom suddenly thought of something. What if Bill had realized his brother had some serious feelings about him? The older twin had been as enclosed as possible about it, but him and his twin were known to read each other rather well when it came to thoughts and feelings and whatnot. But Tom shook his head. "No, that wouldn't be it," he said to himself, walking up the studio for what seemed like the thousandth time.

The guitarist was about to begin his thought ramble again when Georg, who had been sat there the whole time, interjected. "Why don't you just go over and talk to him?" the suggested with a slight shrug, "I'm sure you'll get some answers if you head over to his place and ask. He _is_ your brother, after all."

Tom stopped pacing and thought about this for a few moments. "You're right," he said, turning to face his friend, "I should just go over and talk." He picked up his guitar case and walked to the doorway before turning back once more. "Thanks Georg. What would I do without you?" he grinned before leaving the small studio building and setting off towards his younger twin's apartment.


	3. Chapter 3: Secrets

A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door of Bill's apartment. "Bibi, it's me," came Tom's voice.

At this Bill froze. He couldn't just ignore his brother, but he didn't really want to speak with him either. He sighed, thinking for a few moments. He'd have to answer, and he'd just act okay. Yeah, he'd do that, or so he thought; he didn't realise that he had dark smears down his face where his heavy black eye makeup had run from the tears. He walked over to the door and opened it. "Hey Tom," he said, his voice not too stable, although he did try to hide it.

Tom saw the state of his twin and his eyes widened. "Bill, what's wrong?" he exclaimed, voice full of concern.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Bill said quickly, stepping back to let his brother in.

Tom raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Your eyeshadow is smudged all over your face. I know you've been crying." Bill sighed and looked down, saying nothing. "Bibi, spill," Tom said firmly.

"I-I can't tell you," he replied, closing the door once his twin was inside.

"Why not?"

"I just... can't." Bill shook his head.

Tom was a little suspicious at this. He and his twin shared everything. Well, Tom hadn't shared his feelings for Bill, but that was different. And it never crossed his mind that the feelings were mutual. However, he wasn't going to anger his brother by pressuring him to talk. Not yet anyway. "Okay," he said, "But I got a different question to ask."

"Yes?"

"Why have you been acting strange around me lately?"

"What do you mean, strange?" Obviously, Bill knew what his twin meant, but was denying it.

"You know full well what I mean. The running off, the way you generally act. Heck, you can't even look me in the eye anymore without going all weird!" Tom looked Bill in the eye and made the latter look down to prove his point.

Bill was staring at the floor again now, upset, embarrassed, and slightly ashamed. "I... I can't tell you that either."

"Why not? We're twins, we don't keep secrets." Tom said, attempting to somewhat blackmail him into talking. It had worked a lot when they were kids.

"Well maybe this is one thing I do want to hide!" Bill's voice had risen to a shout now. He wasn't telling Tom and he needed him to know that.

The older brother was slightly taken aback by this response, but wasn't giving up that easily. "And what thing could be so bad or dark that you'd hide it from your own brother?!" he retorted, "Is it something I've done, huh?" Bill hesitated, unsure how to explain. And that hesitation was too long for a quickly-angering Tom. "It is, isn't it? Just tell me what it is and I can change it!" Bill shook his head, tears welling up again. How could he explain it?

"Well come on then, spit it out!"

"I-I..." Bill stammered, struggling to get his words out, "It's complicated." And it was. It was what Tom was and what he wasn't, what he did and what he didn't, what he said and did not say – it was everything about his brother and more.

"Okay. You let me know when you've worked things out then," Tom said in both angry and patronizing tones before storming out the door.

"Tom wait!" Bill shouted, but the door had already slammed shut. The younger Kaulitz didn't even walk back to his chair this time; he just slid down against the wall as he broke down into a fresh flood of tears, feeling even worse than before.

But it was going to get _way _worse. Just no one knew it yet.


	4. Chapter 4: Flames

Tom slammed the door of his apartment and slumped down on the couch with a sigh, pulling off his cap and running hands through his pale brown dreadlocked hair. What had gotten into Bill? He really didn't know. His twin had always shared everything with him: fears, guilty consciences, and crushes... all of it. So what was so secret that it couldn't be shared? He really wasn't sure.

Unless... unless Bill had feelings the same as Tom did. The latter shook his head. No, that wouldn't be it, it couldn't be. What Tom felt wasn't normal, wasn't right, there was no way his younger brother would feel the same, was there? He had heard of cousins dating, but twins, namely specifically gender twins? That was unheard of. The guitarist didn't even know why he felt what he did. Bill was just perfect. His jet black hair had a gorgeous sheen in both sun and moonlight, and although some called it messy, Tom saw it as majestic, like a beautiful dark lion. And those eyes... Oh those eyes! Brown and mysterious, framed by that mask of black makeup or not they were the most handsome eyes he had ever seen. He would easily have spent long periods of time losing himself in those eyes if it wasn't for his brother looking away all the time.

Sometimes, Tom wished he could just admit his love, but the fear that enveloped him every time he considered it put him off. It was the prominent chance of rejection that made him restrain – he didn't want to be hurt him and his twin's relationship by expressing feelings he didn't think were equal. And of course he had to take the band into account as well; awkward relations could break up their career, and basically all they had.

It was then that Tom was snapped from his thoughts by a loud crashing and the sound of fire bells. Panicked, he opened the door in order to run... but the way was blocked by a burning pillar of wood. He quickly stumbled back, coughing from the smoke that was now billowing into the apartment. By the time he gathered himself again the fire was slowly creeping across the floor, so closing the door would now be impossible. Tom quickly considered his options. He was three stories up, so jumping from this height was far too dangerous. He stumbled to the far corner of his apartment, fearful and weakening by the second as his lungs started to fill with smoke.

Meanwhile, Bill was still crying. He felt so guilty – he hated making his brother upset. However, he was too nervous to admit his crush due to the fear of what might happen if he was to be rejected. He was too shy to take the risk.

He stood up and walked over to the window, gazing over to the apartment block about two streets away where he knew Tom lived. And then he saw the smoke and the just about noticeable lick of flames. "Oh mein Gott," he stammered, "Oh mein Gott!" Not caring about his dishevelled appearance, he grabbed his cell phone from the table and sprinted out the door, dialling 911 as he went. He voice was terror-filled and unstable as he gave details of the emergency and address to the woman as he ran, hanging up the call just as he arrived at the building whose top 3 floors were fast being consumed by the blaze. "TOM!" Bill screamed, his tone filled with anguish, "TOM!"

The smoke was making Tom really dizzy now, and he could feel himself fading fast. He heard the faint screeches of his brother and a ripple of worry surged through him. "Billa..." he muttered, before the smoke overwhelmed him and he collapsed.


	5. Chapter 5: Critical

Bill was currently sat in the waiting room of intensive care, shaking like a leaf in the monsoon. Every now and again he'd feel a small jolt of pain, as if he was experiencing snippets of Tom's agony, but mostly, it was the fear that made him want to throw up there and then. He knew that within 50 metres of him his twin was hanging onto life by a thread – the doctors had said so. Or at least something similar.

To be quite honest, the memories of the previous two hours were a bit of a blur. Discovering the blaze was now a set of flashing images that flickered every now and again into Bill's tortured mind; he remembered the ambulance arriving, and the conversations he'd heard in the ride to the hospital; something about Tom being in a critical condition, and that they doubted he could be saved. Bill had made no comment, but instead had sat quietly in the corner, letting the tears slip down his face. The twins had been separated upon arrival at intensive care, and the younger had been escorted to clean himself up in the bathroom before being told to wait in the designated area until Tom was either stabilized or dead. And as much as Bill was trying to convince himself that things were going to be okay, the image of death felt all too real.

Bill hadn't told Georg or Gustav what had happened yet – he was too in shock. Not to mention that his trembling was so violent he probably wouldn't have been able to operate a phone anyway. Surprisingly though, he wasn't crying; he'd run out of tears to cry. After the two meltdowns earlier that evening and now this, he'd sobbed himself dry. However, every now and again he would sigh shakily or make a dry sob in his sorrow, trying hard to find a bright side to this situation.

What seemed like an eternity to Bill (but was really a couple of minutes) later, one of the doctors who had been working on Tom walked into the waiting area. "Sir?" he said. Bill looked up, expecting the worst. "Tom is in a stable condition, and although he is still unconscious you may see him now."

Bill didn't need to be told twice. He stood and half-ran to the small room where his brother was being kept, and stood for a few seconds, gaping at what he saw. "Tomi..." he whispered, his voice shaking. His brother's face was only burnt in a couple of places, but his left arm was fully bandaged, as was his entire torso, leaving Bill to only imagine what horrors lay underneath. There was an oxygen mask over Tom's face and a rhythmic beeping came from a heart monitor in the far corner. It was all Bill could do to stop himself from having his fourth meltdown of the night. He stepped inside and sat on a chair next to Tom's bed, not taking his eyes off him. Meanwhile, the doctor closed the door, giving them privacy. "Oh Tomi," he muttered, gently stroking his twin's unburned cheek. "Please pull through this. Don't leave me, Tomi. Please..."

It was then that a slight groan came from Tom and he stirred, albeit quite slowly. "Billa?" he whispered, his voice quite slurred and weak.

"I'm here," Bill reassured him, quickly retracting his hand, "You're safe now."

The older twin slowly reached up with his good hand and pulled the oxygen mask down off his face so talking was easier. "What happened?" he asked.

"Your apartment block caught fire," his brother replied, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible, "You were trapped inside. I called 911 and they managed to get you out."

Tom smiled. "Big brave Billa, helping out," he chuckled, very slightly, but it was still a chuckle.

"I really wasn't brave at all," Bill said, blushing slightly, "I was totally freaking out the entire time.

"But still," Tom replied, "I'm proud of you." He smiled, a smile that made Bill go all tingly. And made him make a decision.

There was a pause. And then... "I love you." Both twins' voices came out at once, taking them by surprise. "But in a more-than-a-brother type way." The same thing happened. They both looked at each other, wide-eyed. Then Bill leaned in and their lips met.

Despite the current circumstances, both brothers enjoyed the kiss immensely, and they held it for a long while before they finally broke apart. "So that's why you've been acting weird then," Tom said.

Bill nodded. "I was so scared that you'd freak out."

"Same here," his twin replied, "I can't believe we didn't work each other out though. We're normally good at the twin-telepathy stuff."

"I know right?" Bill said, "But that doesn't matter, because now we know the truth." He smiled and they kissed again, both loving the feeling of euphoria it gave them. It felt like heavy burdens had been relieved – no more pretending, no more anxiety... It was wonderful.

The head doctor returned about 40 minutes later. "It is about time you return home now, Bill," he said, "You may return and see your brother tomorrow."

As much as Bill didn't want to leave, he quickly kissed Tom's cheek and stood. "Goodnight, Tomi," he smiled.

"Goodnight, Billa," Tom replied with a returning smile. His twin then turned and left, the time 1:57am.

However, the older brother took a turn for the worse, and, at 2:37am, Tom was pronounced dead.


	6. Chapter 6: Darkness

It was 2:41 when Bill got the call. "We're very sorry sir, but Tom is dead."

Bill had been woken by the phone, so he was still quite disorientated and not all too sure what he had just heard. "What?" he said, his voice showing his tiredness.

"We tried our best, but we could not revive your brother. I'm very sorry. You may arrange for the body to be collected tomorrow," came the receptionist's voice before there was a click as the phone hung up.

It took about two seconds for the information to sink in. Tom... Tom was dead. "Oh mein Gott," Bill whispered, "Tomi... Nein..." he placed the phone on his bedside table with shaking hands before he curled up and started to sob. Why? Why did this have to happen? He had just begun what could have been a beautiful relationship with his brother, but now he had been cruelly taken from him, consumed by the flames, consumed by the dark void of death.

The next morning, after a few trembling phone calls, Bill, Georg and Gustav stood and watched with heavy hearts as Tom's still body was carried by the undertakers into the van, ready to be prepared and then sent to Germany, where the funeral would be held in about two weeks' time. The three then returned to the studio, not to compose an album, but to make funeral arrangements for their band mate.

Fifteen days later, in Tom's hometown of Leipzig, Germany, the funeral was held. Family and friends gathered in a small church, and various speeches were given (Georg gave a speech on behalf of the band, as Bill didn't have the emotional strength). Then, just before the burial, the vicar spoke. "To conclude the memorial service, Tom's twin brother and two best friends, Bill, Georg and Gustav, are going to perform a song they composed in his memory."

The three young men, all dressed in plain black suits, stood and walked up to the waiting drum kit, guitar and microphone. Taking a deep breath, Bill composed himself before speaking. "Tom's death was a big shock to us all," he said, "This song expresses this and the hole that he has left in our lives." He took another shaky breath, then, as his band mates started to play, he began to sing, losing himself in the music.

"_Rain falls  
It don't  
Touch the ground  
I can recall  
An empty house  
You say I'm fixed  
But I still feel broken... Broken  
Lights on, lights off  
Nothing works  
I'm cool, I'm great  
I'm a jerk  
I feed myself lies  
With words left unspoken  
Gonna be Ok  
Gonna be Ok  
One day  
One day_

That day never came  
That day never comes  
I'm not letting go  
I keep hanging on  
Everybody says that time heals the pain  
I've been waiting forever  
That day never came

You said I'd be coming home  
They said he's fine  
Left alone  
The screams in my mind  
I keep them a secret...  
A secret  
Doctors and your  
Promises  
Psychics, healers  
I've seen the best  
Whatever they sell  
Sure to know how to deal with it  
Gonna be Ok  
Gonna be Ok  
One day  
One day

That day never came  
That day never comes  
I'm not letting go  
I keep hanging on  
Everybody says that time heals the pain  
I've been waiting forever, forever  
That day never came

Gonna be Ok  
Gonna be Ok  
One day

That day never came  
That day never comes  
I'm not letting go  
I keep hanging on  
Everybody says  
That time heals the pain  
I've been waiting forever, forever  
That day never came  
Forever  
That day never came..."

And that day the world mourned for Tom. Rock star. Friend. Brother.


End file.
